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Joke of the Day
Send in your best ones -- and don't blame us if these jokes are both poor and stupid.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!" She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" answered the teacher.
"I was just wondering," the man said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 2/24/2007 11:50:00 PM | link
Monday, February 19, 2007
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things.
"One, the bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
"Two, the bouncer is a blonde girl with tattoos and multiple piercings.
"Three, I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
"Four, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
"Five, the lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 2/19/2007 03:22:00 PM | link
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 2/14/2007 08:04:00 PM | link
Thursday, February 01, 2007
A rabbi, a priest and a minister got together for lunch once a week.One day, one made the comment that preaching to people wasn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all got together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery went first. His arm was in a sling, he was using crutches to walk, and his arms and legs were heavily bandaged.
"Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to READ to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled DOWN one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So, fast as I could, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at Rabbi Goldberg, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision might not have been the best way to start."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 2/01/2007 09:24:00 AM | link