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Joke of the Day
Send in your best ones -- and don't blame us if these jokes are both poor and stupid.
Monday, July 31, 2006
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 7/31/2006 09:50:00 PM | link
Friday, July 28, 2006
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify Me."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 7/28/2006 08:38:00 AM | link
Thursday, July 13, 2006
A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water and she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading.The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. Swept away.
She raises her hands to the sky as she screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to B'nai B'rith? Haven't I given to Hadassah? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?" A voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay!"
A few minutes later, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She says, "He had a hat."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 7/13/2006 06:00:00 PM | link
A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water and she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. Swept away.
She raises her hands to the sky as she screams and cries, "Lord, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to B'nai B'rith? Haven't I given to Hadassah? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?" A voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay!"
A few minutes later, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She says, "He had a hat."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 7/13/2006 06:00:00 PM | link
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Dear Tide:I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 7/11/2006 11:31:00 PM | link
Monday, July 10, 2006
Father O’Malley always golfed on Wednesdays and, on this particular Wednesday, Sisters Theresa & Margaret successfully prevailed upon him to let them accompany them.On the course, the good Father has a par going until missing a put on the 5th, upon which he exclaimed, "Shit, I missed!"
The good Sisters were properly dismayed upon hearing this, telling the Father, "God will certainly punish you for that language."
The same scenario again occurred on the 7th and 12th holes.
The good Father, having gotten a couple of birdies, came onto the 18th hole at par, after a couple of good shots, he bogies his put, once more exclaiming, "Shit, I missed!"
True to the Sisters warnings, a huge black cloud suddenly appears and releases a lightning bolt.
The bolt strikes the Sisters and a Heavenly voice rings out, "Shit, I missed!"
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 7/10/2006 09:14:00 AM | link