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Joke of the Day
Send in your best ones -- and don't blame us if these jokes are both poor and stupid.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Lou Gehrig, Ted Williams and Mark McGwire are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you believe.God looks at Lou and asks: "What do you believe?"
Lou thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans."
God can't help but see the essential goodness of Gehrig, and offers him a seat on His left.
Then God turns to Williams and says, "What do you believe?"
Ted says, "Win or lose, I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Lou, I believe in hard work. I’ve been lucky, too, but I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the table.”
God is greatly moved by Ted’s modest southern eloquence and offers him a seat on his right and a piece of pie.
Finally, God turns to McGwire: "And you, Mark, what do you believe?" Mark replies, "I believe you’re in my seat."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/31/2006 11:57:00 AM | link
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rotweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.A newspaper reporter from the Boston Globe witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal"
. "But I'm not a Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected.
"Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were." Hitting the delete key, the reporter began: "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack".
"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responded.
The reporter said, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Red Sox or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or politician do you like?"
"I'm a Texas Rangers fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy said.
Hitting the delete key, the reporter began again: "Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet".
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/29/2006 04:41:00 PM | link
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again.
"Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi. "
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/28/2006 01:38:00 PM | link
Sunday, March 26, 2006
TOP TEN THINGS TO SAY IF YOU ARE CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK 10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess i left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice yoga?"
4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"
Number one best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk....raise your head slowly and say, "In Jesus name, amen."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/26/2006 01:15:00 PM | link
Friday, March 24, 2006
TOP COUNTRY SONGS 17. I Hate Every Bone in her Body but Mine16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few!
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/24/2006 12:05:00 AM | link
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/23/2006 09:34:00 AM | link
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 WHEN... 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/21/2006 10:15:00 AM | link
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Three surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in the world. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.
The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's a senator from New York.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/12/2006 11:36:00 PM | link
Under the reign of the second emperor of the Ming Dynasty there lived an executioner by the name of Wang Lun. He was a master of his art and his fame spread through all of the provinces of the Empire. There were many executions in those days, and sometimes as many as fifteen or twenty men to be beheaded at any one session. Wang Lun's habit was to stand at the foot of the scaffold with an engaging smile, hiding his curved sword behind his back, and while whistling a pleasant tune, to behead his victim with a swift movement as he walked up the scaffold.
Now this Wang Lun had one secret ambition in his life, but it took him fifty years of strenuous effort to realize it. His ambition was to be able to behead a person with a stroke so swift that, in accordance with the law of inertia, the victim's head would remain poised on his trunk, in the same manner as a plate remains undisturbed on the table if the tablecloth is pulled out under it with a sudden jerk.
Wang Lun's great moment came in the seventy-eighth year of his life. On that memorable day he had to dispatch sixteen clients from this world of shadows to their ancestor's. He stood as usual at the foot of the scaffold, and eleven shaven heads had already rolled into the dust after his inimitable master-stroke. His triumph came with the twelfth man. When this man began to ascend the steps of the scaffold, Wang Lun's sword flashed with such lightening speed across his neck that the man's head remained where it had been before, and he continued to walk up the steps without knowing what had happened. When he reached the top of the scaffold, the man addressed Wang Lun as follows:
O cruel Wang Lun, why do you prolong my agony of waiting when you dealt with the others with such merciful and amiable speed?When he heard these words, Wang Lun knew that the work of his life had been accomplished. A serene smile appeared on his features; then he said with exquisite courtesy to the waiting man:
Just kindly nod, please.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/12/2006 12:13:00 PM | link