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Joke of the Day
Send in your best ones -- and don't blame us if these jokes are both poor and stupid.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Herman walked into the local brothel and said, "I want to see Natalie.""Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Natalie."
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, Herman pulled out ten $100 bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The next night, Herman appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, she was just too expensive, and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again Herman pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night, Herman was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.
"No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
Herman replied, "New York." "Really" she said. "I have family in New York." "I know," Herman said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 2/27/2006 04:18:00 PM | link
Saturday, February 25, 2006
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here, and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 2/25/2006 05:11:00 PM | link
A man was walking across a bridge one day, and he saw another man standing on the edge, about to jump off and commit suicide. He immediately ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" the other replied.
The man said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious." "Me too! Are you Muslim, Christian or Jewish?"
"Muslim."
"Me too! Sunni or Shi'ite?"
"Sunni." "Me too! Hanafi, Hanbali, Shafi or Maliki?"
"Hanafi."
"Wow! Me too! Do you follow Sheikh Fulaan al-Fullani or Sheikh Kaza Kazah?"
"Sheikh Fulaan al-Fullani."
To which the first man said, "What?!! Die, infidel scum!" and pushed him off.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 2/25/2006 11:25:00 AM | link
Monday, February 06, 2006
A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 2/06/2006 01:32:00 PM | link
Friday, February 03, 2006
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replies.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 2/03/2006 03:37:00 PM | link
Thursday, February 02, 2006
An American aid worker is in Afghanistan when he and his translator are kidnapped, blindfolded, and forced into a waiting car. They are driven to an undisclosed location, where their blindfolds are removed. To their astonishment (and horror), they find themselves staring into the face of Osama bin Laden himself.The other men in the room all have their faces covered with black scarves, and several of them start setting up video equipment. The two captives swallow hard – it’s obvious they’re going to be used as a propaganda tool and now face the grim prospect of a horrific televised execution.
Suddenly there is a buzzing noise outside. All of the men freeze, then start shouting in Arabic. But before they can even gather their wits, a missile smashes into the building and explodes, sending debris everywhere.
When he finally comes to, the American looks around at the wreckage and sees, to his relief, that his translator is still alive. Unfortunately, so is bin Laden, who is holding a Kalyshnikov rifle and looks ready for revenge against the infidels.
The American looks around frantically for some way to defend himself. He sees something glimmering in the rubble and runs over to it – alas, it appears to be nothing more than a small brass container. Useless!
Then, to his utter astonishment, bin Laden, wide eyed, drops his weapon and falls to his knees, muttering something in Arabic.
Confused, the American looks at his translator – “what’s he saying?”
The translator, equally wide eyed, says, “the lamp – rub it.”
Sure enough, as soon as he rubs the lamp, out comes a Genie.
"I will grant each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie. He points at the translator and says, “you first.”
The translator, still shaken up from the ordeal, says, "I wish for sanctuary for me and my family – a safe home and a good job in a modern Muslim country, away from all of this violence." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, he is becomes a bank manager in Istanbul where he has a joyful reunion with his family.
The genie then looks at bin Laden, and says “now you.”
Bin Laden thinks hard, then says, "I want a wall around the pure Islamic countries – Pakistan, Syria and Iran – so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can ever again defile our holy lands." Pooooof! A huge wall appears around all three countries.
He looks at the American. “And what would you like?”
The American, being an engineer, says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, its 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds each country. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."
The American says, "Here's my wish. Fill it with water."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 2/02/2006 05:13:00 PM | link