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Joke of the Day
Send in your best ones -- and don't blame us if these jokes are both poor and stupid.
Friday, January 27, 2006
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?""Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, and Jesse Jackson on this highway! They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a gallon."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/27/2006 10:28:00 AM | link
Monday, January 16, 2006
Brigette Bardot 71Stella Stevens 68
Sophia Loren 71
Gina Lollobrigida 78
Deborah Kerr 94
Lena Horne 88
Kay Starr 83
Patti Page 78
Annette Funicello 63
Barbara Eden 71
Angie Dickenson 74
Doris Day 81
Joan Collins 72
Julie Christie 64
Leslie Caron 74
Carroll Baker 74
Ann-Margret 64
Debra Padget 72
Julie Andrews 70
Ursula Andress 69
Rita Moreno 74
Jean Simmons 76
Julie Newmar 72
Kim Novak 72
Jane Powell 76
Debbie Reynolds 73
Shirley Temple 77
Jane Russell 84
Kathryn Grayson 83
Esther Williams 82
Elke Sommer 65
Gale Storm 83
Jill St. John 65
Liz Taylor 73
Mamie Van Doren 74
How in the world did they all get so old, when I haven't?
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/16/2006 11:41:00 PM | link
New element discovered in the sediment following Hurricane Katrina
In early October 2005 a major research institution announced discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Governmentium.
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of particles called peons.
Since Gv has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Gv causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second!
Gv has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Gv is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/16/2006 12:31:00 PM | link
Students were assigned to watch the movie Titanic, and read the book My Life by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following report:
Titanic: Over 3 hours to watch
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica ... ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary ... basically the same thing.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/16/2006 12:27:00 PM | link
Thursday, January 12, 2006
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner and this one had a "John Kerry for President" bumper sticker on it
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/12/2006 12:52:00 AM | link
Monday, January 09, 2006
A guy in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are a**holes!"A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I resent that."
The first guy asked "Are you a lawyer?"
The second guy responded "No, I'm an a**hole."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/09/2006 10:32:00 AM | link
Friday, January 06, 2006
Secret of happiness for men:It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
It's important to have a woman whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/06/2006 11:54:00 AM | link
Thursday, January 05, 2006
JOKE OF THE DAYPosted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/05/2006 03:51:00 PM | link
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while and number of pints, he finds himself in a very high-class area -- big, stately residences, no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all .. NO PUBLIC TOILETS. He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me".. He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really considerate of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?"
"No sir," replied the Bobbie, "That is what we call the French Embassy."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/05/2006 03:50:00 PM | link
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
A mother and her daughter were sitting in church."Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who had beenlistening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/03/2006 10:39:00 PM | link