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Joke of the Day
Send in your best ones -- and don't blame us if these jokes are both poor and stupid.
Friday, January 28, 2005
An atheist was walking through the woods."What majestic trees!" "What powerful rivers!" "What beautiful animals!" He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again. The bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!!!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, an enormous voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/28/2005 04:35:00 PM | link
Friday, January 21, 2005
An Army Ranger was deployed to Iraq. While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend.In the letter, she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up, and she wanted the pictures of herself back.
So, the Ranger does what any squared away Ranger would do: He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.
He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: "I'm sorry but I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/21/2005 09:24:00 AM | link
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation while waiting in the LAX airport. The first lady was a California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a elderly woman from the South.When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school!?" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well, for one thing, instead of saying 'Who gives a shit?' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious?'"
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/20/2005 09:03:00 AM | link
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hillary Clinton are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as Bill and Hilary buy just one ticket."How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing.
"Watch and learn," answers Hillary.
They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats but Bill and Hillary cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the return trip.
When they get to the station they see the Clintons at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clintons see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all.
"Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hillary.
"Watch and learn," answers Laura Bush.
When they board the train the Bushs cram themselves into a toilet and the Clintons cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, George W. leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Clintons are hiding. George W. knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
And you're still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost that election.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/18/2005 01:43:00 PM | link
Friday, January 14, 2005
NEOLOGISMS Coffee (n.); a person who is coughed upon.Flabbergasted (adj.); appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.); to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.); to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.); impotent.
Negligent (adj.); describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph (v.); to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.); an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.); the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.); a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.); a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.); the form al, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.); a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Pokemon (n); A Jamaican proctologist.
Frisbeetarianism (n.); The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Circumvent (n.); the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/14/2005 10:10:00 AM | link
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!" and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry . . . but, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/12/2005 11:34:00 AM | link
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
"Hello?""Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
A brief pause, then Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Another pause. "Uh, okay then...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened, honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
Long pause. Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 525-7039?"
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/11/2005 09:05:00 PM | link
Sunday, January 09, 2005
ONE-LINERS ABOUT SEX "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL." Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams
" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers
" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/09/2005 03:13:00 PM | link
Saturday, January 08, 2005
CONSUMER PRODUCT WARNING LABELS FROM THE UK -- WITH ANNOTATIONS. On a Sears hairdryer -- "Do not use while sleeping." Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.On a bag of Fritos -- "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." The shoplifter special?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." And that would be how?
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." But, it's just a suggestion.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert, printed on bottom -- "Do not turn upside down." Well, a bit late.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." And you thought, what exactly?
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." But wouldn't this save me more time?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." And I'm taking this because, why again?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." Now somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." Talk about a news flash.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." Step 3: maybe, fly Delta?
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." Oh my God. Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/08/2005 01:12:00 PM | link
Friday, January 07, 2005
16 NEOLOGISMS1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/07/2005 03:21:00 PM | link
Monday, January 03, 2005
An Irish daughter had not been home to visit her parents for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her: "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family -- I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad -- as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex. And for you Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it you said you had become?
The girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"
"Oh! Be Jesus! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!"
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/03/2005 09:44:00 AM | link