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Joke of the Day
Send in your best ones -- and don't blame us if these jokes are both poor and stupid.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 8/25/2004 12:09:00 PM | link
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Michael Moore's letter to Bill Timmons, president of the Aladdin Casino and Hotel Las Vegas, Nevada:Bill Timmins President
July 20, 2004
Dear Mr. Timmins:
I understand from the news reports I've read that, after Linda Ronstadt, one of America's greatest singers, dedicated a song to me from your stage on Saturday night, you instructed your security guards to remove her from the Aladdin, which they did.
What country do you live in? Last time I checked, Las Vegas is still in the United States. And in the United States, we have something called "The First Amendment." This constitutional right gives everyone here the right to say whatever they want to say. All Americans hold this right as sacred. Many of our young people put on a uniform and risk their lives to defend it. My film is all about asking the questions that should have been asked before those brave soldiers were sent into harms way.
For you to throw Linda Ronstadt off the premises because she dared to say a few words in support of me and my film, is simply stupid and Un-American. Frankly, I have never heard of such a thing happening. I read that you wouldn't even let her go back up to her room at your hotel! Are you crazy? For crying out loud, it was a song DEDICATION! To "Desperado!" Every American loves that song! Sure, some people didn't like the dedication, and that's their right. But neither they nor you have the right to remove her from your building when all she did was exercise her AMERICAN right to speak her mind.
Of all the things that go on in Las Vegas, this is what creates the need for serious action? What about the other half of the crowd at the Aladdin who, according to the Las Vegas Sun, cheered her when she made her remarks? Did you throw them out, too?
I think you owe Ms. Ronstadt an apology. And I have an idea how you can make it up to her -- and to the millions of Americans you have offended. Invite her back and I'll join her in singing "America the Beautiful" on your stage. Then I will show "Fahrenheit 9/11" free of charge to all your guests and anyone else in Las Vegas who wants to see it.
Mr. Timmins, as the song "Desperado" says -- "Come to your senses!" How can you refuse this offer? I await your reply.
Yours,
Michael Moore
Director, "Fahrenheit 9/11"
Response to Michael Moore from Bill Timmons
July 21, 2004
Attention: Michael Moore,
In response to your letter dated July 20, 2004: You are correct that I had security remove Linda Ronstadt from Aladdin Casino and Hotel where the fun never ends and everybody wins.
How very interesting to learn you are such a fan of Ms. Ronstadt. You questioned where I live and surprisingly knew Las Vegas is in the United States. You should visit it sometime. There are thousands of wonderful 'All You Can Eat' buffets.
There are also a lot of casinos who's owners don't **** around. I am aware of the First Amendment and you have the right to talk about your hatred of America but once you are on my property and you are upsetting my guests, you will quickly learn about my rights.
I can't remember if it was Jesus or George W. Bush that said, "Freedom is a two-way street." Ms. Ronstadt learned this long before I had her thrown out of my casino. You question my actions? If you come onto my property and upset my guests, you will receive the same, if not worse, treatment than Ms. Ronstadt received. I am sure your mere presence would upset my guests.
You claim your film, "...is all about asking the questions that should have been asked before those brave soldiers were sent into harms way." I think your film does nothing but aid the enemy and hurt our troops. You have betrayed our troops, our leader and America. I have no respect for you or your vision of what America should be.
I paid Ms. Ronstadt to entertain my guests, not divide them. The half that did not leave probably thought the verse you mentioned, "Why don't you come to your senses" was addressed to you. Maybe she should have dedicated her song, 'You're No Good' to you. I would have asked her back, had she done that.
Regarding your request for me to apologize to her, have you and her on my stage singing anything about this Country and then playing your piece of **** film is ludicrous!
One of my workers is currently throwing away every complaint letter from brainless followers of you, claiming they will never visit my Casino. I could not be more pleased to know my casino and hotel will always be void of the kind of people who support you. Meanwhile, my hotel has been quickly booked solid for the rest of the year with true Americans who love this Country and support our efforts overseas.
They will see a framed copy of your letter and my response in the lobby to ensure they begin their experience with a laugh.
Sincerely,
Bill Timmins
President Aladdin Casino and Hotel
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 8/24/2004 12:05:00 AM | link
Monday, August 23, 2004
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 8/23/2004 09:30:00 AM | link
Friday, August 20, 2004
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 8/20/2004 12:55:00 AM | link
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 8/19/2004 09:30:00 AM | link
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 8/18/2004 12:44:00 PM | link
Monday, August 16, 2004
A middle aged lady went into the hospital for what was to be a minor surgery. She suffered a near fatal heart attack while in surgery. In what can only be described as a near death experience, she found herself appearing before God. She asked"God..Is this my time??"
God answered." Well...no, there's been some mistake. I show in the big book that you have 28 Years, 4 months and two days remaining. I regret the inconvenience, we'll send you back.
Immediately she found herself back at the hospital, feeling just fine. She thought to herself, that if she that many years remaining in her life, she would live it to the fullest.
She informed the doctors that she wanted a face lift.
She also wanted a tummy tuck and a butt tuck.
She wanted to change her hair style and color.
She got new tinted contacts.
When she left the hospital some weeks later, she looked like a million dollars.
On the way to her car, she was hit and run over by a bus.
She again found herself before God.
She began loudly to protest." You said that I had another 28 years, 4 months and two days. What's the deal here?!"
God looked at her and said "And who would you be?"
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 8/16/2004 02:12:00 PM | link
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 8/16/2004 01:07:00 PM | link
Friday, August 13, 2004
There are less than three months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The man elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans.To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.
If you support the policies and character of President George W. Bush, please drive with your headlights on during the day.
If you support John Kerry, please drive with your headlights off at night.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 8/13/2004 08:49:00 PM | link
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 8/11/2004 02:52:00 PM | link
Thursday, August 05, 2004
CNN is reporting that Lance Armstrong may be stripped of his 6th Tour de France title. In a random check for banned substances, three were found in Armstrong's hotel room. The three substances banned under French rules that were found in his hotel room were as follows:(1) ToothpasteFrench officials also found several other items which they had never seen before and were not immediately able to identify, including one testicle and a backbone.
(2) Deodorant
(3) Soap
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 8/05/2004 10:53:00 AM | link