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Joke of the Day
Send in your best ones -- and don't blame us if these jokes are both poor and stupid.
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
WIT AND WISDOM OF WILL ROGERS 1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 7/27/2004 09:13:00 AM | link
Sunday, July 25, 2004
Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off, do not do it!
IT IS A SCAM! They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now...
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 7/25/2004 07:00:00 PM | link
Saturday, July 24, 2004
BILLBOARDS FOR THE CLINTON LIBRARY
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 7/24/2004 01:25:00 PM | link
Thursday, July 22, 2004
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it worked for over 200 years and hell, we're not using it anymore.Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 7/22/2004 11:20:00 AM | link
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Dear Sir:I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.
I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.
I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my home.
I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact, I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything to insure President Bush's defeat in the next election. I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go.
I just thought you and your listeners would like to know how one senior citizen views the Bush Administration. Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.
Sincerely,
Sadaam Hussein
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 7/21/2004 11:44:00 PM | link
Saturday, July 17, 2004
A Wealthy lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She Took her faithful pet poodle along for company.One day, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long the poodle discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The poodle thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the poodle saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and Strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear the poodle says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 7/17/2004 10:17:00 PM | link
Friday, July 16, 2004
"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." - Jay Leno"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." - Jay Leno
"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq."
"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." - Jay Leno
"Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the dad from 'The Munsters.' - Jay Leno
"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." - Jay Leno
"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" - Jay Leno
"Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card." - Craig Kilborn
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 7/16/2004 11:11:00 AM | link
Sunday, July 11, 2004
"Bill Clinton is everywhere now promoting his book. I believe the last time Clinton did a media blitz like this was to deny everything that's in this book." --David Letterman."Bill Clinton's book went on sale today at long last. Earlier today hundreds of people waited outside of Barnes and Noble in the pouring rain for a chance to meet Bill Clinton. When asked if she minded the rain, one woman said, "I'm meeting Bill Clinton, I just assumed my dress would get ruined." -- Conan O'Brien
"I just read Bill Clinton's book. Hundreds of affairs, thousands of lies, lawsuits, subpoenas and then I got to page two." -- Craig Kilborn
"Experts say that Bill Clinton's book could raise 100 million dollars. Hillary wants to burn it, George Bush wants to color it, and John Kerry wants to marry it." -- Craig Kilborn
"Former President Clinton is everywhere right now. Earlier today, Oprah Winfrey asked Bill Clinton if he has talked to Monica Lewinsky since the affair. Clinton responded, "Are you kidding? I didn't talk to her during the affair" -- Conan O'Brien
A thousand people waited in line for an autographed copy of Bill Clinton's book. There was pushing, there was shoving, there was groping, and that's just when Bill signed your book." -- Craig Kilborn
"Bill Clinton"s autobiography came out today. It's based on a true story." -- Jay Leno
"Bill Clinton was on "Oprah," talking about the book. I guess tomorrow he's on the Maury Povich Show doing one of those paternity test shows. In two days, he's been on 60 Minutes, he's been on 'Oprah', tomorrow he's on 'Larry King'. The only thing he hasn't been on lately is Hillary." -- Jay Leno
"How many of you folks purchased a copy of 'My Life' by Bill Clinton? It was in the book stores yesterday and it was a great day for Bill. The first day he sold 1,500 books and he got 6 phone numbers." -- David Letterman
"I loved it when Bill Clinton told Dan Rather the worst day of his life was the day he told Hillary the truth. Well of course it was. The first time you try anything it's always going to be difficult." -- Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern." -- Craig Kilborn
"In Hillary Clinton's new book, 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts." -- Jay Leno
"In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said, 'I could hardly breathe. I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." -- David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." -- David Letterman
"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same." -- Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made is a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch." -- Craig Kilborn
"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with It." -- Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments." -- David Letterman
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 7/11/2004 01:14:00 PM | link
Friday, July 09, 2004
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, I heard that all red meat it's very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, lik e playing golf, sailing, ballooning, motorcycling, rock climbing?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"
"No," I said. "I have never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 7/09/2004 09:17:00 AM | link
Thursday, July 08, 2004
A blonde woman is speeding down the highway when she is pulled over by a blonde cop.The cop asks the woman for her license. Flustered, the woman asks her what the license looks like.
The cop says "Well, it's shaped like a rectangle and has a picture of you on it." The woman pulls out her make-up compact mirror, hands it to the cop.
The cop takes a look at it and says, "OK, no ticket, I didn't realize that you were a cop."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 7/08/2004 12:37:00 PM | link
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Q: When was the first time in 6 years that Bill and Hillary Clinton slept together?A: At the Reagan funeral.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 7/07/2004 01:32:00 AM | link
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident. She rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's been in an accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out into the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones."Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.
"Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?"
The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news, I'm afraid. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of his spine."
"Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "What is the prognosis?"
"Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable. However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed him."
Mrs. Jones begins to sob...
"And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly...
"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper him as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course, these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails... The doctor continues:
"And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis, as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels will engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on the shoulder, and says, "Hey, I'm just messin' with you. He's dead."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 7/06/2004 01:23:00 AM | link
Monday, July 05, 2004
In 1923, who was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the world's most successful for their day. Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.
The answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4 The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion, avid hunter and fisherman, and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him?
He hunted until he was 90. He played golf until he was 92, and he went fishing when he was 94. He died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The moral? Screw work. Golf, hunt, and fish.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 7/05/2004 07:12:00 PM | link