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Joke of the Day
Send in your best ones -- and don't blame us if these jokes are both poor and stupid.
Friday, June 25, 2004
An elderly Italian Jew wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans enteredItaly, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spumoni, and I am alive today because of it.""Self-preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 6/25/2004 11:43:00 AM | link
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived the two fathers made a bet -- in a year's time whichever family had become more American would win.A year later they meet.
The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"
The second man replied, "Fuck you, towelhead."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 6/23/2004 06:24:00 PM | link
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant on afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said, "Give Jesus a cup of hot tea, my treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang, how's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too,looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Democrat said to give Jesus a cold glass of coke, on his bill.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman,touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of backflips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 6/16/2004 09:29:00 AM | link
Saturday, June 12, 2004
TWO FROM RONALD REAGAN "I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.""Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 6/12/2004 12:44:00 PM | link
Thursday, June 10, 2004
The Kerry campaign asked the local priest to mention in his homily that John Kerry is a saint.The priest, a devout Catholic, began his homily by saying, "John Kerry is a crook. John Kerry is a liar. John Kerry is a fraud. John Kerry is an adulterer. John Kerry is one of the worst Catholics I have ever met. But compared to Ted Kennedy, he's a saint!"
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 6/10/2004 04:56:00 PM | link
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
AND THEN THERE'S THIS... During a morning stroll last winter, Bill Clinton came upon a nasty remark, written about him, in the snow. It was written in pee. He demanded that the Secret Service find out who committed this outrage. After several weeks of labratory tests, they came to Clinton with the news."It was Jesse Jackson's urine, we're positive of that, sir."
Clinton expressed extreme displeasure.
"Do you want the rest of the report, sir?" the agent asked.
"You mean there's more?" Clinton shouted.
The agent said, "It was Hillary's handwriting."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 6/08/2004 06:38:00 PM | link
YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY HILLARY JOKES "Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern." - Craig Kilborn
"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts." - Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed.He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." - David Letterman
"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same." - Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch." - Craig Kilborn
"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it." - Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments." - David Letterman
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 6/08/2004 06:06:00 PM | link
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
A blonde was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.""Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing! I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked.
"Why, that's a thermos! It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," the blonde replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?"
"Two popsicles and some coffee."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 6/02/2004 09:11:00 AM | link