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Joke of the Day
Send in your best ones -- and don't blame us if these jokes are both poor and stupid.
Monday, May 31, 2004
A guy in Paris saw a pit bull attacking a toddler. He killed the pit bull and saved the child's life. Reporters swarmed the fellow."Tell us! What's your name? All Paris will love you! Tomorrow's headlinewill be: 'Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"
The guy says, "But I'm not from Paris."
Reporters: "That's OK. Then the whole of France will love you and tomorrow's headline will read: 'Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"
The guy says, "I'm not from France, either."
Reporters: "That's OK also. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow's headlineswill shout: 'Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"
The guy says, "I'm not from Europe, either."
Reporters: "So, where are you from?"
The guy says, "I'm from Israel."
Reporters: "Oh. In that case, tomorrow's headlines will say 'Israeli Kills Girl's Dog!'"
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 5/31/2004 12:01:00 AM | link
Saturday, May 29, 2004
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. (And a single red rose!)Marty sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty then looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, " Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off for you, you screamed, 'Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!'"
A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Hot breakfast - $20.00
Red rose - $3.00
Two aspirins - $1.50
Saying the right thing, at the right time - priceless!
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 5/29/2004 12:13:00 PM | link
Thursday, May 27, 2004
The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French customs, he fumbled for his passport. "You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously. The official said, "Well zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible!" the official sniffed. "You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 5/27/2004 12:54:00 PM | link
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
An interrogator from the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq went to confession and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last week I sexually humiliated seven prisoners."The priest replied, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"
"No," said the priest, "but it will wipe that shit-eatin' grin off your face."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 5/19/2004 09:14:00 AM | link