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Joke of the Day
Send in your best ones -- and don't blame us if these jokes are both poor and stupid.
Monday, March 29, 2004
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington, DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the US Senate for assistance.The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Senator Daschle. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. The! re's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Senator Daschle, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied,
"Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/29/2004 12:10:00 PM | link
Friday, March 26, 2004
Mr. John HinckleySt. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington, DC
Dear John:
Laura and I hope that you are continuing your excellent progress recovering from your mental problems. We were pleased to hear that you are now able to have unsupervised visits with your parents. The staff at the hospital reports that you are doing fine.
I will be seeking a second term in office as your president and would appreciate your support and the support of your fine parents. If there is anything you need at the hospital, please let us know.
By the way, are you aware that John Kerry has been screwing Jody Foster?
Sincerely,
George W. Bush
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/26/2004 11:15:00 AM | link
Thursday, March 25, 2004
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as my wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I will be home before midnight.When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:-- Your Husband
Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times that 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up.--Your Wife
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/25/2004 12:15:00 AM | link
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with a misdewiener.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/23/2004 01:55:00 AM | link
Monday, March 22, 2004
CONVERSION UNITS1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? =
1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God? = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? =
Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes? = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers? = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones? = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles? = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days? = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds? = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards? = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs? = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks? = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish? = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins? = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations? = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations? = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms? = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels? = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital? =
1 IV League
27. 100 Senators? = Not 1 decision
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/22/2004 11:07:00 AM | link
Friday, March 19, 2004
POLISH NUN FACES DRUNK DRIVING CHARGESThe Associated Press
Updated: 1:50 p.m. ET March 12, 2004
WARSAW, Poland - A Benedictine nun is facing jail for driving a tractor into a car while drunk outside her convent in southwestern Poland, police said Friday.
The 45-year-old nun will be charged with drunk-driving and causing an accident, which carries a prison sentence of up to two years, Dariusz Waluch, police spokesman in the southwestern Polish town of Dzierzoniow, told the local news agency PAP.
He said the nun was 17 times over the country’s legal alcohol limit for driving.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/19/2004 01:20:00 PM | link
Thursday, March 18, 2004
REAL KIDS' REAL ANSWERS TO REAL TEST QUESTIONSQ: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like
grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the ocean?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow
toward the moon because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a
vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart
nd lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraption by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section"
A. The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman Emperor..
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/18/2004 12:43:00 PM | link
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Question: How do you tell the difference between liberals, conservatives, and a Texan?Answer: Imagine the following situation.
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Liberal Answer:
"Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
Conservative Answer:
BANG!
Texan Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.... (sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??"
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/17/2004 07:52:00 AM | link
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
Dear Tide,I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! In fact, about a month ago while at home, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem and how expensive the blouse was. One thing lead to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse, as well. I tried to get the stain out using the bargain detergent my cheap husband bought, but it just wouldn't come out. I went to the local convenience store and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the police's DNA tests were negative!
I thank you, once again, for a great product! Well, got to go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
Sincerely,
Recently Widowed
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/16/2004 12:00:00 PM | link
Monday, March 15, 2004
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician."Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust!"
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/15/2004 02:35:00 AM | link
Friday, March 05, 2004
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it.""Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?"
"Congressmen, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a congressman, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/05/2004 10:32:00 AM | link
Thursday, March 04, 2004
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/04/2004 09:36:00 AM | link
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
It was a fact that LBJ would, on occasion, personally call military offices and demand special favors. At one such time, he is said to have called TBS (The Basic School) at Marine Corps Base, Quantico, Virginia, and the conversation went like this:TBS: Good afternoon, this is The Basic School. How can I help you?
LBJ: This is President Johnson. We"re having a state dinner here at the White House next Saturday. I want you to send out two Lieutenants to be escorts for my daughters.
TBS: Yes sir Mr. President. Is that all?
LBJ: I want them in their dress uniforms, tall and good looking.
TBS: Yes sir, Mr. President. Two tall, good looking lieutenants, dress uniforms, next Saturday evening. Is there anything else?
Remember now... LBJ was an old time Texan.
LBJ: Yeah , don't send any damn Mexicans!
TBS: No sir, Mr. President, no damn Mexicans. Will there be anything else?
LBJ: No, that's all.
Saturday evening came and two tall, good looking Marine lieutenants showed up at the White House, decked out in their dress uniforms.
They were promptly ushered in to meet Mrs. Johnson and introduced themselves as being there as escorts for her daughters. She acknowledged their presence saying, "But you're both black! There must be some mistake!"
One of the lieutenants replied: "I don't believe that's possible, Ma'am. Captain Rodriguez NEVER makes mistakes."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/03/2004 07:21:00 PM | link
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Real notes from parents in a Mississippi school district. (Spellings have been left intact.)My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,and also 33
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had(diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the shits. [Words were crossed out in the ()'s}
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/02/2004 11:20:00 AM | link
Monday, March 01, 2004
HR MANUAL (COURTESY OF PEOPLESOFT)DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying
a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and
therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need
to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer
clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you
do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to
come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do
for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should
be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In
rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral
should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave
one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is
now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of
three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more,
so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes
for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average
figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all
the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 3/01/2004 03:17:00 PM | link