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Joke of the Day
Send in your best ones -- and don't blame us if these jokes are both poor and stupid.
Friday, January 30, 2004
ALGORISMS (FROM OUR ESTEEMED FORMER VEEP) "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.""Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, & water. If there is water, that
means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history, but we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
"Public speaking is very easy."
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/30/2004 12:08:00 PM | link
Thursday, January 29, 2004
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/29/2004 10:53:00 AM | link
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/28/2004 10:13:00 AM | link
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday!". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday...let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
"Let's go!" We went to lunch.
We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there naked.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/27/2004 10:49:00 AM | link
Monday, January 26, 2004
Spotted in a toilet of a London office: "Toilet out of order. Please use floor below"."In a laundromat: "Automatic washing machines: "please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."."
In a London department store: "Bargain basement upstairs."
In an office: "Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken."
In an office: "After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board."
Outside a secondhand shop: "We exchange anything -- bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?"
Notice in health food shop window: "Closed due to illness."
Spotted in a safari park: "Elephants please stay in your car."
Seen during a conference: "For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the 1st floor."
Notice in a field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."
Message on a leaflet: "If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons."
On a repair shop door: "We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door -- the bell doesn't work)."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/26/2004 10:26:00 AM | link
Friday, January 23, 2004
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghani Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghani is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/23/2004 10:33:00 AM | link
Thursday, January 22, 2004
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL: 1. Wrap it in cheese.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/22/2004 09:35:00 AM | link
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/21/2004 01:16:00 AM | link
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/20/2004 09:52:00 AM | link
Monday, January 19, 2004
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
"1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
"2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
"3 - I'm a 6 foot tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
"4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
"5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
"Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "Nah, Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/19/2004 07:24:00 AM | link
Friday, January 16, 2004
This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/16/2004 10:51:00 AM | link
Thursday, January 15, 2004
INCREDIBLE SIDEWALK PAINTING
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/15/2004 11:11:00 AM | link
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
WHAT THEY SAID 1. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.--Mark Twain
2. We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
--Winston Churchill
3. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
--George Bernard Shaw
4. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-- G. Gordon Liddy
5. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
--James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
6. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
--Douglas Casey, Classmate of W.J.Clinton at Georgetown U. (1992)
7. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
--P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
9. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
--Ronald Reagan (1986)
10. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
--Will Rogers
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/14/2004 09:34:00 AM | link
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle,'" Ashcroft declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard.
"Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line." President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."
Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, 'Read my ellipse!' Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/13/2004 11:41:00 AM | link
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/13/2004 08:32:00 AM | link
Monday, January 12, 2004
The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the presidential yacht.They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat blows off his head and out into the water.
Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."
Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Pope's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence from the watching press corps.
The next morning, the New York Times carries a story, with front page photos, of the event. The banner headline is "Bush Can't Swim."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/12/2004 09:00:00 AM | link
Friday, January 09, 2004
HOW THE JEWS GOT THE TEN COMMANDMENTS God went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Germans asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments."
And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."
"Not covet my neighbor's wife? We're not interested."
He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" they said, "how much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/09/2004 03:49:00 AM | link
Thursday, January 08, 2004
Morris lived alone in the country. He needed to plant his potato garden but it was December, the ground was very hard and Morris being eighty-five couldn't till the soil.His only son, Sol, a very bright guy who happened to graduate summa cum laude from Wharton, and used to help him, was in federal prison for Insider Trading and Stock Fraud.
Morris wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Solly: I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were just here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Papa
A few days later Morris received a letter back from his son Sol.
Dear Papa: For heaven's sake don't dig up that garden. that's where I buried all the money & stocks certificates. Love, Solly
At six am the next morning, a large team of FBI agents and local police together with a backhoe, arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area, without finding any money or stocks. They apologized to the old man and left. The following day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa: Go ahead and plant the potatoes in your garden now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, your son, Solly.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/08/2004 09:01:00 AM | link
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building because you can't post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Lie," and "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" im front of a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/07/2004 10:03:00 AM | link
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
25 WAYS TO TELL YOU'RE WHITE TRASH 1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7 Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are,"Gentlemen start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
21. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
22. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
23. Your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working R.V.
24. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
25. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/06/2004 10:03:00 AM | link
Monday, January 05, 2004
WORDS OF WISDOM FROM AMERICAN BUSINESS 1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I
told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask
for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/05/2004 12:07:00 PM | link
Friday, January 02, 2004
Scott is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when Bill Gates walks up to him and asks: "Have you got the time?"Scott sighs, not recognizing Mr. Gates, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six", he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims Mr. Gates.
Scott brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out..." He shows him a time zone display for every time zone in the world.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Scott continues "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding."
Bill Gates is dumb struck with admiration.
"That's not all...", says Scott. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Scott.
"View recede ten", Scott says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says Bill Gates, thinking of the potential profits after his engineers tear it apart and then market it throughout the world.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that "the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Scott.
"I've got to have this watch! !" says Bill Gates, becoming insane with desire.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $2,000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."
"I'll give you $8,000 for it!"
"But it's just not..."
"I'll give you $20,000 in cash for it!" And Bill Gates pulls out his bulging wallet.
Scott stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $20,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in maybe a year or so...
Bill Gates frantically waves the cash in front of Scott: "Here it is, right here and now, $20,000! Take it or leave it!"
Scott abruptly makes his decision: "Okay," he agrees as he peels off the watch and hands it to the stranger.
They make the exchange and Bill Gates prances happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute", calls Scott after the stranger.
Bill Gates turns around warily and says: "What?"
Scott ! points to the two heavy suitcases he had been trying to wrestle through the terminal.
"Don't forget your batteries."
Posted by Donald L. Luskin at 1/02/2004 02:21:00 AM | link